[This journal entry is me dealing with my career demons. Welcome to my inner dialogue.]
I’m working on my dream job self-reflection essay for speech class, and it is actually the hardest thing. I had this same issue when I had to write a dream job essay for my Belmont application. It took me months to finish that essay, and when I read it back now, I can remember why.
That was the time period when I was deciding whether or not I was going to be able to consider myself a performer anymore. I had identified myself as a performer since I was like ten, yet I wasn’t going to study music. What on earth? Just having to think about all of this again makes me nervous and upset, because what am I doing at Belmont University if I identify myself as a performer but don’t perform? It’s all rather heart-wrenching. I guess it’s good that I’m starting this essay a week before it’s due so that I have time to probe my soul a little more.
Let me be frank: I want to be a performer. I love attention and praise, and I really quite enjoy the sound of my own voice. [Yes, we’re dealing with some pride issues.] I don’t know what kind of genre I’d fit into, but I think I could be a really good role model and an artist that doesn’t compromise her values or integrity for success.
However, there are great weaknesses that I possess that I have been unable to conquer and which made me opt out of auditioning for the school of music:
- I do not know music theory and have no drive to learn it.
- I cannot play an instrument and have no drive to learn one.
- I am not good with competition, and I will not assert myself in a way that would help advance my career.
- I am a voice mimic; I don’t have my own unique style, except for the fact that I know I have a very pure-sounding voice.
And then there’s the matter of my personality, which is independent but loves people; creative but desires order; visionary but a rule-lover. I’m kind of a confusing person on paper when people make me take personality assessments. It’s almost like I’m more than one person. I always score high on creativity, but there are more intellectual and structured aspects to me as well, which just makes me feel like I’m actually doing the right thing by blending my skills into the music business major.
But then why is it so hard to give up performing?
Do I have to give it up? Not necessarily, I guess. What that means though, is that I will expect myself to work extra hard to be good at music business, while becoming a better performer and (as if that wasn’t enough) becoming a better writer as well.
Lord have mercy. I’m going to bed.