December 31, 2012
[I start a new journal, and I already sound a year older.]
“I do not mean that I am already as God wants me to be. I have not yet reached that goal, but I continue trying to reach it and make it mine. Christ wants me to do that, which is the reason he made me his. Brothers and sisters, I know that I have not yet reached that goal, but there is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal to get the prize for which God called me through Jesus to the life above.” -Philippians 3:12-14 (NIV)
I spent the past four hours consolidating six memory boxes, dating from middle school to 12th grade, into two boxes. It didn’t occur to me until about twenty minutes ago that I am deliberately tampering with my memory by throwing away items that are “not important.”
And the irony: the verse that I wrote on the previous page contradicts the whole purpose of memory boxes and journaling, too. Sure the past is a burden, but I have learned that I take on my past as an extension of my identity, and it would be foolish to presume that I would ever leave it behind. In that regard, I suppose being selective about memory is profitable: it is my present self giving my future self the lessons learned from my past self. Just like you ought to be selective with the company you surround yourself with, I think it is safe to say that you ought to be selective about what memories you keep.
I, for one, feel a haunting responsibility to be honest with my memory-keeping, specifically in journaling. Granted, I don’t intend to separate my writing from my personality and biases, but I try to put in the good and the bad of me. That is my civic duty.
As for my hopes for 2013, I intend for this journal to see the beginnings of a change in my life. I’m not sure what it will look like, but I feel a desire stirring in me to grow. Isn’t that lovely?